When I was young(er) 😅, I thought adulting was like a default, that once I reached a certain age, I would automatically become an adult, like my parent, my family members, or any adults that surrounded me then, who you know seem to have their lives together. Now that I am an adult by age (can’t stress the by age enough), I realized that

A. Growing up is not a default

B. The adults around me then and now, don’t have their lives together as it seems to be.

Everyone is learning as it goes and is just doing our best. We all grow up and mature differently depending on the external environment and also our intrinsic attributes. So, here is my take on growing up and adulting for the past and future of me. This is three of my adulting lessons—a collection of borrowed wisdom, personal experience, observation, and second-hand exposure, influenced by all the books I read, countless blogs I skimmed through, and a growing list of YouTube channels I subscribe to.

1- Diversify your identity

“What do you do?” The question we got asked by anyone who just met us. It’s like what we do for a living, our ability to make money is what matters most. If you’re like me, you write out scripts, practicing in front of the mirror a couple of times to hone that answer. We take it very seriously, so seriously that it becomes how we define ourselves. Our job becomes our identity.

We put in the long hours, the effort, sacrificing everything else for that single identity. We travel for work. We spend weekends networking for work. We even hang out with coworkers after working hours. And when we lose our job (because god knows we make mistakes and the company just decides that we are no longer worth the paycheck or sometimes it not even us, it’s the Covid and whatnot) we lose our identity. When our project fails, we feel like a failure.

So, what are we without our job, without our fancy title as a designer, a programmer, a doctor, or a lawyer?

People tell us to diversify our stock portfolio and our sources of income. It is too risky to put all your eggs into one basket. What if your Tesla stock doesn’t perform well? The same is true with our own identity and value.

Beyond our job and/or what we do for a living, we have other identities, that are just valuable and probably even more meaningful. Fundamentally, we are loving daughters, caring sisters, uncles, fathers, friends to those around us. We may also be enthusiastic writers, world travelers, explorers, stamp collectors, amateur artists, aspiring actors, selfie masters, so on and so forth. When we see ourselves in these other identities, we act accordingly. We diversify how we spend our time and our effort. We pursue our hobbies. We spend quality time with our loved ones. And so when our job is threatened, we have other identities to pick us up.

Of course, it is easier said than done. I love what I do professionally, and am both intellectually and emotionally invested. Over the years, I have cried and gone through many sad episodes because of work. Whether it is as a way to survive or a way to strive or maybe just a coping mechanism, I have tried to diversify.

• I registered for a post-graduate program; I am now also a student (until I graduate in 2022, but I will still be a life-long learner wink)

• I spent some weekends teaching my siblings spelling and stuff; I am a loving sister.

• I fell in love with house plants, learned to propagate some; I am a plant enthusiast.

• I started crafting, created a YouTube channel devoted to my K-pop fandom, joined mentoring programs, got back at freelancing, and did a bunch of other random things…

So now when you ask me what I do, I have a wide range of stuff to tell you beyond my job. I am also tempted to say “I am a designer who writes.” 😅

2- Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not who someone else is today.

I disagree with Jordan Peterson in so many things and I think he is such a logic-bully, not that we ever argue. But in his book “12 rules for life”, I think he was spotted-on with the majority of the rules. One of them is Rule 4: “Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not who someone else is today”.

As an adult, we have come to learn and also probably accept that life isn’t fair. It isn’t straightforward. Life as an adult has like 7 or 8 dimensions: health, career, financial, relationship, community, personal goals, and recreational time. But what we see of others, we see one of their dimensions. Maybe it is the polished one— painstakingly filtered, beautifully narrated. And we look at this one great dimension and start to manifest in our mind how we are falling behind. But this comparison isn’t fair. It’s not apple to apple.

Social comparison can be a great motivation if we are mindful of how it is affecting us. But if you are like me, and cannot seem to draw the healthy line, I would say choose to compare with yourself. Like Peterson put it, “you are a lot like you”. You know of all your dimensions. Practice self-awareness and work to be a better you. You can be a little bit better than you’re today or were yesterday. And by compounding this “little bit better”, you will be a lot good.

This in a way is also how you become kinder to yourself 💖.

3- Surround yourself with supporters

The famous saying goes “you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.” No doubt there is a lot of truth in that quote; you have to choose your friends carefully. Each of us may have our own criteria: intellectual, a fan of sports, been to the same school as us, have the same belief, and so on. But what I learned as the most important quality is supportiveness.

The world is as critical and challenging as it is. And most of us are also self-critical. So, it is only logical and wise to look for friends who support us, who are able to pick us up when we put ourselves down, who make us feel worthy of compliments and great things when we’re just trying to put our heads above water. You may be thinking that if they are that supportive, would we become egoistic and narcissistic? Well most of us are not, especially those who are reading this 😉. Most of us have deep insecurities, are working to resolve our inner demons, and coping with our imposter syndrome. We deserve to be nicer to ourselves and surround ourselves with those who bring out the better versions of ourselves.

And it is actually very easy to spot a supportive friend. You will instantly know it when you are talking with one or spending time with one. They just make you feel better about yourself. Instead of draining your energy, you feel energized around them and they are just the people who put the smiles on your face. So, go ahead, seek out and cultivate those friendships.

To all my supportive friends, I am blessed to have you. I am grateful for all the kind words and all of our interactions. The world can be unkind sometimes but you make me see all the silver linings 💖🙏.